Boring Homework Post

I turn inwards and look at myself. I'm disappearing into another world----one dominated by art. It's like the only happiness I draw right now, is from walking alone, taking roll after roll of pictures on my precious Olympus. That... or hanging out with people. People and art. But the people-atmosphere is nothing like summer.

And I feel the walls closing in on me. Oh, so dramatic! But, really. I feel as though I am accomplishing NOTHING.

But was I ever, really, before?

I really need change. Or I shall go crazy.

That's me. ALWAYS moving. Always looking for SOMETHING.

I need my phone back. So I have contact with the world. I feel isolated with no cell phone. It sounds silly but it's so true.

I feel possessive of my space. "This is MY space, don't fringe on it."

All I did for you----and you give me, what? My hands are out and they seem pretty empty. But that's the lesson you have to learn---is that NOTHING else can fill it, except yourself. You have to just find what you want to put into your own hands (figuratively speaking).

I look at myself and see my style is quietly but surely changing. I still like my "preppy"ish clothes (Oh how I hate labels though!!)---but right now I'm wearing black track pants, my sexy black shoes (oh yeah), a long black tank top, and then to counteract such blackness, a pink track jacket.

I want to wear ties. And I want to wear my tie-back vest with a fedora hat....... and a white button-up shirt.

I should go to Value Village.

Damn rain. It makes me feel poetic and makes my camera feel wet all over and my camera doesn't like getting wet.

On another note. I dropped my digital camera in water. Can't forget that.

This journal, is all for me, but it's strange how many details I hold back anyway. But, things I put in here... certain subtleties, I will remember.

I feel awkward, like somehow I'm out of place.... like I'm just pushing and hoping for something that isn't there or shouldn't be. It's like, though, that I'm still inexplicably drawn to it. And I just keep messing up. Saying stupid things, doing stupid things... being stupid in general.

If I don't try then I'm fine. And then it usually ends up the opposite of how I want it.

If I try... I mess up, I look stupid, I sound stupid. Then... it ends up the opposite of how I want it as well.

It seems like either way, I can't or don't even win. I don't get this. And I tell myself, maybe I should just bide my time and forget about this.

Yet, I don't really want to. Is it just the challenge within this? Or do I actually---